1.

I start the year in a book club. I read The Good Women of China by Xue Xinran and All the Living by C.E Morgan—both become my favourite books of the year. Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. Books about cities, articles about what’s happening in the world. I get angry. Hope for better. Read more novels.

2.

I get up each Saturday morning, put on a pair of rollerskates, and push my body to its limits. I train it to take a hit and to hit. To skate 23 laps in five minutes and one lap in 13 seconds. Sometimes I want to give up. Sometimes it’s not fun anymore. Sometimes I cry in front of girls who will become my biggest allies. I start feeling proud and in awe of my body; I have never stuck to anything this long before, or pushed my body in this way. Roller derby slowly changes my life.

3.

I cross an ocean and arrive with a suitcase in Berlin. I take a language class and move in with a girl on my roller derby course. I set up home in a city I have only ever visited for a weekend, where I know no one. It is crazy lonely and crazy exciting.

4.

So I quit my job and work my own hours. I find new admiration for the self-employed, for their discipline and organisation and determination; and for immigrants, for their bravery and resilience. It is hard, and some days are really hard. I do not feel brave. But I feel hopeful.

5.

I get on planes and make playlists and wait in airports with new books. I stop being afraid of flying, mostly because I have no choice, travelling between countries for work. Sometimes I fly six times in one month. Sometimes just for one night, sometimes for stop-overs. Sometimes I don’t bother to unpack until my next flight. Always, it feels good to be in motion.

6.

I am invited to speak at a literary festival in Birmingham. It is the first time outside of university that I am asked to speak in front of writers about writing. I feel like a phoney. I haven’t written anything in months. But it goes well. And I remember why I love this.

7.

Synaesthesia goes to print after five years of dreaming. After a break in 2016, we feel part of the literary scene again. We push work by women out into the world and publish more incredible writing online. We dream bigger. We make plans. I feel part of something promising.

8.

I fuck up. I learn that I won’t always make the right decision. I learn to forgive myself, eventually, and to love my friends all over again. I learn to spend more time with the people who make me feel loved and supported and who I love and support right back. I learn to be better.

9.

I start to cook more, look out for recipes. I make Shakshouka for my flatmates, curry for myself. Beetroot brownies that stain the kitchen counter. I make lamb kebabs, homemade tzatziki and Arancini with you. It takes us hours and by the end of it we’re not hungry anymore. But then you look at me and say, This is so good, and mean it like no one has ever meant it before, and I can’t wait to do it all over again.

10.

And then sometimes from bad decisions come good decisions. Like lamb kebabs and homemade tzatziki. And so on. And so forth.

Carlotta is the co-founder and co-editor of Synaesthesia — a journal that truth be told, I’m in total awe of. The writing is beautiful, the art is amazing, and the work that Carlotta and company are doing is important and needed (maybe not so much with year-end top ten lists written for other pubs, but I’ll take what we can get).